


Funny How All of Those Horrible Memories Seem So Small Now

by Amagi (orphan_account)



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Mentions of Blood, light gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-14 21:29:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1279540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Amagi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regardless of any derailed, runaway trains of thought about the situation at hand, I could never full comprehend what it really means to lose a memory, or how losing memories was even remotely possible.</p>
<p>So, I tried to let it not bother me. It was better to ignore it and keep it from eating away at my brain than to face it head on. I suppose it was cowardly, but in the end, I am a bit of a coward. It's a little hard to ignore that you've been told that so many memories have been taken from you- two whole years of memories is a lot -but I managed. </p>
<p>(In which Monobear actually somewhat goes through with his end of the bargain in regards to his motive in chapter 1)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Funny How All of Those Horrible Memories Seem So Small Now

Memories seemed smaller the more you had. It was a simple subconscious brain function. The lowest level of psychology. As you gain more and more memories and you get older and older each memory you make feels smaller and smaller in comparison to new ones.

That's what makes lost memories such a bizarre concept. You can't tell if they were gone because you can't even remember if they were even there. You not only lose your memory, you lose all of your memories of remembering that memory, and all of the memories of doing that as well. Nobody knows what it's like to lose memories because they don't even know they were there in the first place. They know they lost them because they have been told that they did, but they cannot describe the sensation at all.

In the end, thinking too hard about missing memories just drives your train of thought in circles. It had entrapped itself into my skull, rooting itself within the wrapping flesh of my brain, yet whenever I tried to think about it all I did was drive myself insane, thinking and thinking until my thoughts became incoherent.

Regardless of any derailed, runaway trains of thought about the situation at hand, I could never full comprehend what it really means to lose a memory, or how losing memories was even remotely _possible._

So, I tried to let it not bother me. It was better to ignore it and keep it from eating away at my brain than to face it head on. I suppose it was cowardly, but in the end, I am a bit of a coward. It's a little hard to ignore that you've been told that so many memories have been taken from you- two whole years of memories is a lot -but I managed. 

Eventually, it did become impossible to ignore the gap when we were told by that psychotic bear that if a murder was committed, we'd get everything back. For a split second, I actually did consider killing someone. But I strongly and immediately decided against it. I wanted my memories back, but it would require the deaths of two people. I couldn't just let that happen.

Although, I forgot to consider the possibility that someone else would commit a murder. Although the stench of volcanic ash and burning flesh reminded me of that. One of the people here with me on the island, Teruteru Hanamura, had killed someone. He killed Byakuya Togami. He killed him and now he payed the ultimate price.

Now that two people had to die for this cause, I wanted my memories back. I wanted to find something useful in the information I lost to almost make their deaths worth it. Deep down inside, however, I didn't expect the bear to go through with his deal. I fully expected him to pull a 180 and find a loophole out of it.

In a way, that is kind of what he did. He said something along the lines of "I never said I'd give _all_ of your memories back! Upupupupu!" or whatever that shit-eating laugh of his is. 

And so the deal was struck. Well, it was more the bear who proposed it and didn't care who opposed it. As the mutual killing game went on, we would get more and more of our memories back. I hated the deal because it would just motivate people to kill even more than they already were motivated to.

But, I did my best to make the best of what I got, and I hoped the little that we get back is enough to satiate everyone's thirst for lost knowledge. Begrudgingly, I followed the bear's instructions and went to bed. He had said that if we slept we'd re-awake with some memories returned.

I still cannot wrap my head around memory loss, though.

I didn't sleep very easily. I had ended up just pulling a blanket over my entire body and then covering my head with a pillow. Which, in retrospect, did not make any sense considering it wasn't noise keeping me awake. It wasn't really anxiety keeping me awake either, I wasn't nervous to get my memories back. Perhaps it was anticipation? Maybe.

Whatever it is, its annoying. Regardless of memories I just want to sleep. I groaned and cover the aforementioned pillow on my head in blankets as well. Looking at me right now is probably an amusing sight, all things considered. 

Finally, after a lot of tossing and turning, I do fall asleep. Frankly its only after the pillow mentioned several times before has been angrily thrown at the wall. 

For the first time in awhile I have a vivid dream. Most of my dreams are dull and easily forgotten, with faded images like an old film. But when compared to the one I'm having now, it is even more dulled. The images are bright and clear, but they move quickly, almost too quickly for my sleeping mind to even register them. 

I see needles. Syringes filled with translucent, luminescent, green liquid. I see an IV drip filled with blood. I see a white and green blur, reminiscent of a human, sitting next to my hospital bed, holding my hand. I see a mirror and red eyes. Is what I'm seeing... My memories?

I cannot make heads or tails of what my memories mean until I wake up. The dream quickly fades away like usual, and I get up and stretch. It only takes a minute for a crippling headache to seize my skull, causing my legs to go weak underneath me.

Images flood into my mind. They blur in with each other, and they aren't very clear. With a resounding 'THUMP' I fall to my knees. I cover my face with my hand, skin muffling a agonized howl. 

The images are blurry and don't make any sense. As my brain begins to register them, I begin to make out faces. I see my classmates. I see every face I see here on the island now. But mostly, and strangely, I mostly see Komaeda.

In the memories, he's smiling. It's not the crooked half-smile that he pulled in the trial, while revealing his scheme to get everyone killed so the true culprit could escape. It's a genuine smile, as if he were feeling true joy, not masked by underlying betrayal.

After the images stopped flooding into my head, I took a deep breath and sat up, trying to organize my thoughts. The memories I had received were vague. Like they didn't actually happen, and instead only happened in a story I had read. 

My roommate had been Souda. Owari had made me into her sparring partner for a day and I hadn't been able to walk for a week. Mioda had made me get up on stage and sing with her once at a concert. I tried to teach myself how to use a crossbow and I ended up shooting Kuzuryuu in the leg. So many memories were coming back into my mind. Memories of everyone, my _friends._

Although, most of my memories included Komaeda. It seemed like we were inseparable for whatever reason. I wasn't opposed to the idea of Komaeda being happy- okay, that was a lie. I was somewhat opposed to the idea considering the shit that he pulled, but it confused me as to why we were _always together._

Accessing the memories involving Komaeda gave me a weird feeling. It was almost like when your stomach hurts when you're nervous, but it was a bit lighter, and... for some reason it felt squishier? Is that even a word that can describe emotion?

It took me a moment to try and place the feeling. It was rather unfamiliar so it did take a moment for me to recognize. After a moment, I think I began to recognize it.

In my time at Hope's Peak that I had forgotten... Had I been... In love with Komaeda?

Okay. No. _Yuck._

I am entirely forgetting that I ever even thought that. I am forgetting that my brain was even capable of forming that sentence. I am completely wiping my brain of any proof that thought ever _existed._

What thought about Komaeda? Why would I think about Komaeda I have nothing to do with him. He's never even crossed my mind. Why are we taking about Komaeda.

Slowly, I get to my feet. The ache in my skull has faded, but my legs are still shaky. I get dressed, blocking any contemplation about a _certain person_ in _certain memories._ I shower, get dressed, do my best to rub the circles under my eyes away, and go out the door.

I don't run into anyone on my way to the diner for breakfast. And by the time I made it to the building, its become apparent that no one is meeting up there today. I sigh as I look I to the windows to see the building empty. If there was any day that I would really want everyone to meet up, it would be today. We need to me up and discuss out memories, but _of course_ that would never happen. I'm never that lucky.

I turn on one heel and begin to walk away. I look down at my feet while I walk. Not really out of sadness, or self consciousness, but merely out of being deep in thought. _Now what?_ I'm at a loss of what to do next, wandering around the island is probably not a good idea, but neither is doing nothing.

Usually around now I would try to interact with everyone else, but it seems no one had the same idea as me when I decided to go outside.

As I think, a pang of curiosity hits me. My feet direct me towards a somewhat familiar path. Towards the lodge. I really, _really,_ don't want to go back in there, where the murder occurred, but I was curious what that damn bear did with my friend's body. I prayed that he wouldn't make some sort of mockery out of it.

I walk up the steps towards the wooden door. I reach out for it, but I hesitate, half-expecting Monomi to pop up out of nowhere and shoo me away like she did in the beginning, but it never happens. When I strain my ears for a sound all I am greeted with is dead silence. No birds, no waves, nothing.

I open the door. It creaks loudly. I never remembered it being this creaky. Did Togami oil it for the party? The acidic stench of cleaning spray slams my face, making my eyes water and making me want to sneeze. I plug my nose and walk inside.

The body is gone. The bloodstains are gone. Even the table he died under is gone.

I gulp and walk towards where the body was. For the first time in my life I seriously consider the existence of ghosts. I approach the space. The gaps between the wood are scratched slightly, as if even though they had all of that space in between them it was _just_ not enough for the skewer to fit through properly. 

I chuckle bitterly, if it weren't for all of the blood that might have been good evidence. If we had found that bit of evidence beforehand we could have solved the murder in a much more straightforward way. We wouldn't have had to find out about Komaeda's plans-

No. We had to do that. It would have been dangerous for us to let him loose without knowing the truth.

_Who am I trying to convince here?_

Suddenly, a notice cuts through the dead silence. I jump, immediately tensing up. I start shaking. Was all of my theorizing about ghosts correct? Have Hanamura and Togami come back to haunt us from the grave?

I hear the noise again, this time I'm able to identify it. _Chains. That's the sound of chains rattling._ My face pales. What kind of thing would make chain rattling noises? I've seen a lot of horror movies involving ghosts with chains all around them binding them to the human world. Is this like that?

The noise is coming from the closet. I see two options. Go over to the closet and see what it is and either die or quell my fears, or run away and never know what it was, but definitely be alive.

Against all better judgement, I open the closet door.

What awaits me- Well. Needless to say it is quite the sight.

Its Komaeda. But it's not like he's just standing around or anything, he's chained up. His arms and legs bound together with a chain attaching them to the wall. He was sitting leaned up against the wall. His shoulders were hunched and his legs flopped away from each other lazily. He grinned sheepishly up at me.

"Ah, hello Hinata!" He says, grinning and tipping his head to the side. "I would greet you more properly, but as you can see I'm a little... _tied_ up at the moment."

I flinch and step back. Out of all of the things I could have imagined were behind that door, Komaeda was not one of them. "Wh-What the hell? Komaeda?"

"I suppose this is a rather... Awkward position to find oneself in, so if you were to turn and run away now, I would completely understand!" He says, smiling up at me. God knows I hate that honeyed slick voice of his, it's too sweet and happy for all of the shit he says.

"What the-!? How did you even _end_ up like this?!" 

He shuffles his feet, causing the chain to rattle. "Ah, I was intruding on Nidai and Souda's free time like the annoying trash I am... So they reacted accordingly."

I sighed. "They just tied you up... And left you in here?"

Komaeda nods, with a little bit too much enthusiasm.

I look down at where Komaeda sits and I can't help but pity him the smallest bit. Not very much, considering the shit he pulled yesterday, but I pity him a tiny bit. And as a result of that pity, I find myself sitting down next to him.

He blinks at me in shock. "Huh? What are you doing? Someone like you shouldn't have to waste their time with a disaster like me."

I shrug, really unable to explain my own actions, and unwilling to try. "You looked lonely."

"You shouldn't waste your time just because I _looked_ lonely, you probably have so many better things to do-"

I cut him off. "I don't have anything else to do. I might as well talk to you." 

He opens his mouth to deny me again, but then closes it. Looking at his face, he almost seems relieved and calm.

 

\------  
 _  
There's a memory. It contains two boys. One of them has dark, brown-red hair, and is about 10 years old. The other, with lighter brown hair, is also 10 years old._

_It was a large building, the redhead was there to make a delivery, helping out around town to make extra money. (Not that he needed it at all. Of course.)_

_It was just his luck that he would get lost, in a large, dark storage room no less. And on top of that, it seems the power in the rest of the building had gone out as well, so even if he found a way out he wouldn't get too far._

_To anyone else, this might seem like an impossible setup of events, but to Nagito Komaeda, it was normal. All he could do was sit down, backed against the wall, with his knees pulled up to his chest._

_Komaeda had minor issues with anxiety. They didn't affect him during the day, or really at all in a day to day basis. There were two things that had to be present to trigger his anxiety. It had to be quiet, dead silent, quieter than a funeral. He also had to be alone. If he was alone where it was quiet, his own anxious runaway train of thought could drive him insane. If it was dark, it only added to the anxiety._

_And just his luck, all three things were now present. Komaeda shook slightly, shutting his eyes tight. He wasn't going to let this bother him. He was going to wait and be patient and well behaved. He was going to simply wait for the power to come back on and then finish his job. After that he could leave. He could leave and it would all be okay._

_What doesn't help is the noises the building makes. All buildings, especially ones of this size, make noise. It's the metal of the air conditioning shifting with the temperature, among many other things. But when you have anxiety driven by the quiet, it can scare you shitless._

_He quietly whimpers into the darkness. Hugging his knees closer to his chest. With every click and shuffle, he jumps and flinches. Some of the noises have even come together to sound like footsteps._

_Wait. No._

_Komaeda's whole body goes cold. Those **are** footsteps. They're impossible to mistake. He starts breathing heavily, hiding his face in his knees._

_"Hello?" A voice calls out. Komaeda finches and squeaks at the sound of it, scrunching himself up even tighter into a ball. The voice sounds like a young boy, around Komaeda's own age._

_The footsteps become closer until the figure is standing over him. He wraps himself as tightly as possible, trying to look invisible. He shakes violently out of something he can only describe as true terror._

_"Are you alright?" The voice asks. Judging by how close it sounds, he's kneeling in front of Komaeda._

_Komaeda dares to slip a peek at the face staring back at his own. It's much closer than he expected, and that small bit of shock is enough to push him over the edge._

_He starts to cry._

_The other boy blinks, wondering what happened. Was it something he did?_

_He gently puts a hand on Komaeda's shoulder and he immediately tenses up. "Hey... Are you alright?"_

_Komaeda shakes his head. Which the other boy responds with a frown. He sits down next to him and wraps an arm around his shoulder. Komaeda shakes violently, but leans into the hug._

_It was the first time Hajime Hinata and Nagito Komaeda had met._

_Hinata remains there next to him until he calms down, and then the two of them make their way out. Hinata takes the package from Komaeda and says he's there because his parents worked there, and through them he could get the package to its destination. Komaeda smiles once, and then leaves._

_Over a small bit of time, the two forget each other. Not realizing that those many years later they meet once again._

_It's apparent though, Komaeda can really only be comfortable where its dark and quiet when he's with Hinata.  
\------------  
_

"I'm glad you decided to spend time with me, I hope it isn't a bother to you." He says, smiling. "If I begin to bore or annoy you, don't feel like you have to stay."

_He seems a little bit more self-depreciating than usual... Odd._

"I'm fine. Stop worrying." I shifted uncomfortably next to him. It was odd just how calm and docile he seemed now, after how he behaved yesterday. For a moment I almost felt at ease. Almost.

Komaeda hums quietly, searching for something to say. "Did you... Get your memories back?" He says suddenly, breaking the silence. His voice sounds different somehow, it seems somewhat... Shakier? It's hard to tell.

My face warms slightly. There's really no way to just say something like 'Hey! We were dating in the past life!'. "... Well, what about you?"

Komaeda smiles. "I did, but my memories can't be anything interesting..."

"Well I... Uh..." I twiddle my thumbs. "I didn't get anything too interesting back. Just various things about our past in the school." _I also think at one point I sucked your dick, but that is not what I'm thinking about right now._ "

Komaeda hummed. "That's good."

For several moments, neither of you talked. It was a nice, peaceful silence, but it didn't take long for it to get awkward.

I turn to Komaeda again. "Uh... I've never really heard you talk about yourself." 

He tilts his head to the side. "Hmm? What do you mean?"

"I dunno, I guess I'm just curious." I fidget uncomfortably. "You never talk about yourself, so I'm just curious about you."

He smiles. "I'm not all that interesting. My life is the same as everyone else's. I compare nothing to the high-leveled talented students like you all."

I contemplate his response, sighing. With the sound of rattling chains, I undo the binding around his wrists. 

"Huh? What are you doing?" He asks, craning his neck to look at what I'm doing.

"I'm hungry, and you must be too. I'm bringing you to the diner."

He waves his now-freed hands in front of his face. "There's no need to do that! This early everyone else should be in the diner right? They don't have the same patience as you when it comes to dealing with me."

I undo his feet and help him stand up. "No one's there right now. I guess the memories on top of the two deaths bummed them all out."

Komaeda opens his mouth to protest again, but is cut off by a loud growling noise from his stomach. His face reddens slightly and I laugh quietly at his expression.

I hold out my hand. Hesitantly, he takes it. He seems to visibly relax as he takes my hand. I carefully walk him out of the lodge and outside. Clouds have rolled in, obscuring the sun.

Once we've walked a few feet away from the lodge, Komaeda lets go of my hand and looks up at the cloudy, grey sky. "...Do you like the rain?"

I shrug lightly. "Kind of. I'm not a big fan of getting wet, but the sound of it is nice. Why? Does it look like it's going to rain?"

He looks back at me and suddenly shakes his head. "No... No, I was just thinking."

I give him a skeptical look, but decide not to question him. I carefully retake his hand into my own, and walk with him to the diner.

\--------

_It only takes a moment for the boys to be entirely drenched. The two of them had merely gone out into the hope's peak schoolyard for a walk together, but it had started raining in the middle of it. The both broke out into a mad dash to a nearby shed._

_After diving into the door and out of the torrent of rain, they both scoot to the back of the shed._

_"Just my luck, huh?" The white-haired one says. "I finally get to spend a nice day off with you and it rains."_

_The the other one reaches out and tussles his hair. "It's not a big deal Komaeda, don't blame yourself." He wrings out the corner of his shirt. "I'm just unhappy that we got so soaked. It's too chilly this time of year to go outside when it's wet."_

_Komaeda sighs and pulls his knees up to his chest. "It is really my luck though, have you forgotten how it works?"_

_Hinata blinks. "I don't think that's it, haven't you been saying that since you met all of us your cycle of luck has started to calm down?"_

_"That's just wishful thinking."_

_"No harm in that."_

_Komaeda smiles and laughs quietly. "I suppose you're right, and I really do hope its ending." He shivers. "However, you definitely **are** right about the cold."_

_Hinata grins and wraps an arm and Komaeda's shoulder. "Isn't this the part in the movies where the two characters start huddling together for warmth?"_

_Komaeda shoots a glare his way. "In a normal movie where we're both dry? Yes. But since we're both soaked through, I think what you're referring to is the beginning of a porno."_

_"That works too."_

_"Yuck."_

_Hinata laughs and draws his arm away, but still keeps himself pressed up against the other boy. It's a lot warmer when they share body heat, but his side thats exposed to the cold feels even colder with the warmth to compare it to. He still finds himself shivering._

_"Is there anything in here we could use as an umbrella of sorts?" Hinata asks through chattering teeth. "We could use it and make another mad dash to the school."_

_Komaeda shakes his head. "Not really, unless a shovel counts."_

_Hinata gives him a look. "I'm... Not sure a shovel would help us in this situation." He sighs and shuts his eyes, leaning on Komaeda's shoulders. "I hate the rain."_

_Komaeda gives a non-committal noise at that. Hinata notices he's stiffened up and opens his eyes again, looking up at his face. He narrows his eyes, he's been friends with Komaeda for long enough to be able to read his expressions, and he could tell there was something on his mind._

_He reaches up and pokes him in the cheek. "Something's bothering you, I can tell."_

_Komaeda looks down at him and smiles. "Nothing's wrong! I'm just thinking."_

_Hinata sits up, no longer leaning against Komaeda. "You're hiding something from me." He crosses his arms. "We've been best friends since our first day here, you don't have to keep secrets."_

_He gives an absent-sounding laugh in response. "It's not a big deal really, and it will probably only bother you if I told you."_

_"You're talking down about yourself again. That means it is bothering you."_

_Komaeda sighs. "I don't know if its a blessing or a curse that you can read me so well."_

_Hinata smirks. "So you admit something's bothering you?"_

_Komaeda sighs and nods. "Yes. But it isn't your problem. You don't want to hear it."_

_"Hey. Don't put words into my mouth." Hinata says, slightly annoyed. "Who said that I didn't want to hear it?"_

_Komaeda looked desperate. "...It really is none of your concern, please drop it."_

_Concern pangs Hinata's chest. "Now you're making me worried. What's wrong."_

_He looks up at the ceiling and lets out a bitter laugh. "It's nothing... I just made a horrible mistake."_

_Mistake? That can't be good. "I'm seriously worried about you, what happened?"_

_"I..." He gulps. "I think I'm in love."_

_Hinata laughs, causing Komaeda to shoot him an embarrassed glare. "That isn't a mistake!"_

_Komaeda's face reddens horribly. "It is when you know they don't like you back."_

_Hinata smiles and pats his back. "You don't know that. You assume the worst from people too much."_

_Komaeda looks away, face still burning red. "Trust me, I know them. I know they don't feel that way about me."_

_"I could put in some good words for you, who is it?" Hinata winks. "I could be your wingman!"_

_Komaeda gulps loudly again and pulls his knees up to his chest. "I... I can't tell you that."_

_Hinata leans back and doesn't reply. With his odd behavior and his reluctance to admit something, that under normal circumstances, he would have admitted. There was a single conclusion that Hinata could come up with._

_"That person you say you fell in love with... It's... Not me is it?"_

_Komaeda doesn't respond immediately. He hugs his knees up his chest more and looks away. "...I told you I knew that they didn't like me back."_

_Hinata gulps. His best friend had just basically confessed love to him and he didn't know how to respond. He didn't know if he felt the same way. He cared a lot about Komaeda, and he had always assumed that feeling was platonic, but now, when faced with this, he just didn't know anymore._

_"I don't know if that's true." He says at last._

_Komaeda looks up at him in surprise. His eyes are wide and confused. "What do you mean?"_

_Hinata twiddles his thumbs. "I don't know how I feel about you. But I care about you a lot. And now that I think about it more, I'm not sure how platonic those feelings are."_

_"You... Like me back?"_

_Something flutters in Hinata's chest at those words. Yep, those feelings were definitely not platonic. "I... Think so. No, no I mean I do, I definitely do."_

_Komaeda suddenly sits up, and in one swift motion, wordlessly wraps his arms around Hinata's neck, pulling him into a hug. Hinata tenses up for a moment, but quickly relaxes and eases into the hug, wrapping his arms around Komaeda's waist in return. It's warm, and its one of the best feelings in the world._

_Hinata then decides that he loves the rain.  
_

\---------

Its almost exactly like we were before the trial. He's smiling, and I'm next to him. But it feels wrong. It feels wrong being this close to him, knowing what he's capable of

That's not to say I don't _want_ to forgive him. I do, I really do. I still value the friendship we had before, and the way he was during his days at Hope's Peak, but I guess I'm just afraid that he'd do 180 and betray me again. I suppose my fears aren't _totally_ unfounded.

But now, he seems mild. The only behavioral signs that he wasn't the same exact person he was before the trial was his excessive self-depreciation. He just seemed a little hollow, and somewhat... Sad, as well. He's smiling, yes, but it seems a little too bittersweet.

He's walking next to me, a small smile on his face, gently sipping at a water bottle we got at the diner. He appears to be quietly humming to himself, a habit that I only just now noticed. I don't have the heart to ask him what his memories contained, but deep down I know I should, because whatever they are, they're bothering him.

I open my mouth to speak to him, but he immediately cuts me off, as if he didn't notice I was about to speak. "I think I'll go back to my cabin now, thanks for untying me!"

Before I can respond, he rushes off. I call a goodbye after him, but if he heard it, he doesn't show. 

A few wet droplets begin to fall from the sky. Staining the ground a darker shade. I sigh and let my shoulders sag. I then decide that I hate the rain. I hate it very, very much.

Silently, I go back to my cabin. I decide to read a book that I had bought myself. I had intended to give it as a gift, but I supposed I might as well read it first. I read until it got dark and went to bed.

Shockingly enough, sleep came easily.

When I woke up, my morning went slowly. For some reason I felt exhausted, even though I slept okay. I sluggishly got up out of bed, falling over in the process. When I finally got myself ready and dressed, I made my way to the diner.

Unexpectedly, everyone was there today. Even Kuzuryuu. Although, not surprisingly, Komaeda was absent.

I took a seat next to Saionji and Souda. Everyone at the table was rather quiet, considering our leader, who mostly started all of the conversations, was not here anymore.

I decide to take some sort of authority. I clear my throat. "... Did everyone get their memories back?"

Kuzuryuu crosses his arms and huffs. "Tch, barely. That damn raccoon wasn't kidding when he said we would only get a little bit back."

Owari paused eating for a moment. Obviously she was eating but she wasn't really... Stuffing her face like usual. "Same here. I only got a few bits back." She scowls. "I hope that fluffy asshole got some memories back that made him regret the shit he pulled."

"...Fluffy asshole?" Pekoyama asks, giving Owari a weird look.

"Eh, you know, that batshit kid with the fluffy hair." She says, shrugging. "I forget his name, I didn't really care about remembering it in the first place."

"I noticed that Komaeda isn't here today..." Sonia says, tapping her chin. "He's not the ideal person to speak with, but I was curious what he'd have to say after the recent trial."

Souda suddenly tenses up. "Wh-Who cares about him?! He's just a crazy bastard! He fits right in with those crazy criminals locked up in padded rooms! We should just forget about him!"

Something angry spikes in me when he says that. "You're only telling us to forget about him because you and Nidai knocked him out and tied him up in the lodge."

Souda jumps and flinches. "H-How did you know that?! I-I mean, that's not true!" He desperately turns to Nidai. "R-Right? Back me up here!"

Nidai looks equally shaken by my accusation. "He's right! WE NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAAAAAAAAAT!"

I sigh, my shoulders sagging in something I could only call disappointment. "I know that's what happened because I found him there and he told me."

Souda points at me angrily. "W-Well we didn't have a choice! He's dangerous!"

"So you admit you did it?" I say, narrowing my eyes. 

"SOUDA YOU MOROOOOOON!"

"Well, it doesn't matter!" Souda says defensively. "He was dangerous so we tied him up! It's fine!"

I absently take a bite of my breakfast, keeping my expression and tone deadpan. "Well, he _was_ tied up. I let him go."

"And why the hell would you do that?" Owari asks, giving me an odd look. 

Saionji whined loudly. "I bet big bro Hinata is siding with that psychopath!"

_...Well for one thing, if you're calling Komaeda a psycho, you have a very large misunderstanding of what a psychopath actually is..._ "I am not... 'Siding' with him. I just untied him and sent him back to his cabin."

Saionji gave me an accusing glare. "I knew it! He's a traitor! It must've been something in his memories, he must have made some sort of pact with that freak!"

"My memories?" I stammer. Unwillingly my face reddens. My memories were something no one in this room could know about. Even if they saw Komaeda as perfectly sane.

"What's with the red face, hedgehog hair?" Saionji taunts, shoving her finger at my face. "I got it just right didn't I? You're in cahoots with that monster!"

I swat her hand away. "Don't poke me you brat!" I didn't know what had flared the anger and venom in my words, but watching her go pale when I snapped, it made it very satisfying.

Everyone else went silent. I wasn't hungry anyway, so I stood up, turned around, and walked away. I left the diner spitting mad. I don't understand what it was that pissed me off so much, nor did I really try to understand. I just was mad as hell. 

\--------  


_There was something wrong with Nagito Komaeda. No one knew the full extent of his mental illnesses, not even Hinata, but it was general knowledge that something was very wrong._

_People hate the things they don't understand, its a cruel human nature. They didn't understand Komaeda, he was like a puzzle with half the pieces missing to them. Pointless. Words like "freak" and "psycho" were thrown around like second nature, and it pissed Hinata off to no end._

_Komaeda always insisted that he didn't mind. He protested that they were on a level so much higher than he was that they had the right. But Hinata didn't agree. Just because they were talented didn't make them 'above' anyone._

_Hinata was merely sitting in his dorm. (Technically Komaeda's dorm. Komaeda never got anyone to share it with, so he moved in with him.) He had flipped open a textbook for casual studying. He ended up getting bored and just skimming the pages and not paying attention. Suddenly, however, the door opened._

_Komaeda walked in, looking horribly bedraggled. His jacket was torn in some places, and dirty in others. He had a small amount of blood on his face, and he was hiding his arm behind his back._

_Hinata immediately stood up and dropped his text book, running over to his boyfriend as he silently shut the door behind him._

_"Wh-What the hell happened?" Hinata stammered, placing his hands on Komaeda's shoulders._

_With the hand that wasn't hidden, he scratched the back of his head. "Oh, just ran into some people on the road." He shrugs. "They jumped me while I was getting a snack from the store down the road."_

_Hinata seethed with anger. Komaeda as well known on the Internet for getting into Hope's Peak by pure luck. It had spawned massive jealousy. He couldn't leave the school grounds alone without being attacked._

_People did not take well to the concept of someone untalented getting into Hope's Peak by good luck, or they can't get over the bitterness that it **could have been them.**_

_Hinata noticed the hand he was hiding behind his back and his stomach sank. "...What happened to your hand?"_

_Komaeda's gaze immediately flicks away from Hinata. Hesitantly and slowly, he pulled his hand out, and Hinata could taste vomit in his mouth._

_A nail had been driven through his hand._

_Komaeda must have noticed Hinata go pale. "Ah, it must be disgusting isn't it?"_

_Hinata scrambled for something to say, and instead decided on saying nothing and scrambling for a first aid kit or just **something.** When he found one, he dragged Komaeda over to his bed and sat him down._

_As he (attempted, while being completely grossed out by the blood) cleaned the wound with disinfectant, he finally spoke. "How... How the hell did this even happen?!"_

_Komaeda gave a sheepish smile. "It's not that bad, its similar to what happened last time."_

_Hinata's heartbeat seemed to slow for a moment. "For one thing, you were stabbed in the leg last time, which is something normal when you're attacked. This is like some sort of medieval torture or something you'd expect from a person in an asylum!" Hinata looked down. "And either way... I don't want you getting attacked at all."_

_"It isn't a big deal, its just all of the good luck I've been having lately balancing out." He smiles. "You don't need to worry. They'll attack me but I doubt they'll kill me."_

_Hinata sighs. "I'm glad you aren't going to die, yeah, but trust me, I don't want to to get hurt at all. It has nothing to do with how badly you got hurt."_

_Komaeda opened his mouth to speak, but decided against it, and closed his mouth. And finally thinking the wound was clean enough, Hinata decided to attempt to pull out the nail. He had gauze at the ready to plug it, so he threw a small warning at Komaeda._

_It came out rather quickly, but it left the wound bleeding heavily. It wasn't bad enough to need stitches, but Hinata laments that it probably would have been smarter to get an expert to do it. He wraps the hand up tight in bandages until he's satisfied that the bleeding has been slowed._

_He looks up at Komaeda. His face is still screwed up against the pain. As Hinata looks at him, he relaxes slightly, and is able to look at him again. He smiles, but the corners of his mouth fidget, signifying that it was fake._

_Hinata pulls Komaeda into a hug. "I don't want you to get hurt again, regardless of what you say, you don't deserve this." He tightens his squeeze. "You don't deserve to hurt."_

_Komaeda eases into the hug, speechless for once. Hinata notices he starts shaking._

_For the first time that Hinata can remember, Komaeda cries._

__  
\------------

 

Its inevitable that I'd run into Komaeda. I knew it was inevitable, so I decided that instead of letting it happen, I would go into is cottage and initiate this unavoidable encounter. Besides, there was no more chickening out, I had to talk to him about my memories.

I knock on the door, and he looks ruffled when he answers, like he was just napping. "Oh, I didn't expect you." He says drowsily, rubbing an eye with his sleeve.

I nod. "Yeah, sorry about the short notice, I just need to talk to you."

Komaeda blinks in surprise for a moment, and then invites me inside.

I sit down on his couch, and he sits next to me. I scramble mentally for something to ask him, and I eventually decide on something he would probably be interested in, that I only just noticed I had forgotten.

"Hey Komaeda." I begin, causing him to look at me questioningly. "Do you remember my talent?"

Komaeda tilts his head to the side. "...You don't?" I shake my head in response, and he huffs. "It seems like like Monobear to do something like that, give you back all of the memories except the ones you've been most curious about."

"Do you remember?" I ask.

He nods. "I do. You had started out in the reserve course, a portion of the school that you could actually pay to get into." The news hit me like a shockwave, but I decided to let him finish. "But, something changed. The Hope's Peak staff decided to try an experiment.

"The experiment was taking a talentless individual and altering their body and making them into someone talented. The idea was proposed a few days after you joined the school, and at the assembly where they announced it, they explained the consequences." He fidgets uncomfortably. "Apparently you could be rendered paralyzed or brain dead very easily, and even if the surgery worked, you would never mentally be the same again.

"No one volunteered, everyone was too scared of what could go wrong. Since you were the only one who volunteered, you were applauded for your bravery, and were given the title SHSL Experiment."

I swallowed, trying to comprehend the information given to me. "... Experiment?"

Komaeda nodded grimly. "You were tested on several times in the so years you were with us SHSL students. Luckily enough you didn't sustain any horrible brain damage, but..."

_Gh, don't trail off like that..._ "But what?"

"Two things, actually." Komaeda says, twiddling his thumbs. "One thing, you did get some sort of damage. Mostly ugly scars, lacing around your arms and legs, even a few on your back, neck, and head. Pretty much wherever they decided to cut you open next." He starts to look nervous, biting his lip. "But... At one point you went in for a major brain surgery. All of the psychologists were certain this was a major breakthrough. You went in for the surgery and..."

I gulp. "A-And what?!"

Komaeda shook his head. "...My memory cuts off there."

I look down at my feet, wide-eyed. Vague, blurry memories fade into my mind. I clutch my head, the new images shooting shock waves of pain. _Red eyes. Red knife. Everything is red. Why is everything red. Red red red red rED RED RED RED RED RED._

Komaeda lets out a concerned noise, and if he said anything after that I couldn't understand him.

When the images finally fade and the pain receeds, Komaeda is looking at me with a gaze full of helplessness and concern. I look up at him desperately. My entire body is numb and cold with terror.

I shake lightly. I'm scared. I'm a coward. I'm a coward because the thing I'm afraid of here is _myself._ I look down at my knees. My memories, once filled with sweet images of my life with my friends and Hope's Peak, is now drenched in red.

"Are you alright?" Komaeda says, his voice sounding concerned yet desperately helpless.

"Can... Can I stay the night here?" The uneasiness is back. The uneasiness I felt thinking about Komaeda after the trial, before I got my memories back. But instead of it being Komaeda, its myself. Something is barring my mind and it's terrifying. After I got that surgery I did something horrible. I did something horrible and I know it.

I don't want to be alone tonight. It's too dark and quiet to be left alone to my own thoughts. Komaeda blinks in surprise at my proposal, but eventually nods. I limp with him over to his bed. Neither of us care that the sun is still out. We climb in bed together.

I cling to him, wrapping myself in his scent until I can forget that everything is wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> Screams this took forever
> 
> I hope it was ok I don't want to look at it anymore


End file.
